Princess Kelly Forever

 Hi, journal.  Things have sort of changed but sort of not. We have a few good days and then.. it kind of goes down again. But I think I'm finding numbness finally. I get these waves of sadness and anxiety, but then I suffocate them. I don't really know what to do anymore so I'm just letting things go as they are. I found out that he was mistruthing about how much he talks to his main female friend, which just made me feel uncomfortable. This was right after he got upset with me and called me a liar because I took literally 3-4 minutes to tell him what I got from Amazon. (It was a sex toy! Something that he doesn't like hearing about, like we've fought so much about it that I'm basically sex-averse now.) I feel nothing writing this out. No waves of depression or fear. I can't change anything anymore. He's attacked me so he could defend his friend countless times. I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. So I don't give a shit anymore. 

 I was going to call and say this but I guess there isn't really any point because nothing I say verbally makes a difference. It used to, but much like how my voice doesn't turn you on, nor am i able to adequately convey things through calls.  I have been trying to analyze my feelings and trying to understand why I feel so jealous and inadequate. It's true that I'm emotionally very needy, and that I love to both give and receive reassurance. This was one thing that I loved learning about you when we first met. Even though you had framed it as you loving giving attention to your ex, it didn't bother me much because the implication was that you would also love providing attention and reassurance for me. You also told me that your libido was lower than mine, but that it wasn't gone. So upfront you told me these two things and I accepted them as truth and as being great or as okay (respectively).  In my prior relationships, I've always felt insecure at first, be...

 My thoughts are basically the same. I woke up to a few messages from him where he said he has always been attracted to me. That's basically it. No admittance that what he said was wrong. That the whole situation was wrong. I started researching something called retroactive jealousy and I posted in the sub for it. Someone replied and said it sounds like he's just an asshole and we're incompatible--lol. 

 PS, I mentioned journaling. He told me that's proof I've closed myself off for ages. I told him I just started journaling yesterday but he didn't seem to understand.  I need to talk more about my feelings of inferiority. Tonight was super triggering for me and I'm having a really hard time coping.  Yet I feel like I have nothing left to say. I just want to sleep. For a super long time. And then wake up and remember nothing. I don't want to remember any of this. I just want to forget and go.  I told him that I just want to have more than his exes did. He said I can. But yet.. he won't give me that. How am I supposed to have more sex with him if he doesn't get attracted to me? How am I supposed to get those things? And I've been rejected so many times that I don't feel like I can do anything at all to even participate if he did by some miracle get attracted to me and initiate. I feel so sick even talking about this. How can you be with someone for a y...

 A pointless conversation. He was upset with me as he always is. I had to try to vent because he was just.. so cold. So uncaring. I had to tell him how I felt. He immediately got upset with me. He started talking about self harm so I called him because I didn't want him to hurt himself. We ended up talking on the phone for over two hours. It was overall calm until the end.  Journal, I haven't really talked about the dysfunctions in our relationship but one of the big ones is sexual. When we first got together, he told me his libido was less than mine. He also seemed to be stuck on ddlg as he did with his ex. He at one point told me that "surely you can do better than that" when I talked dirty with him over the phone. So even though I was super self conscious and felt ugly, we did that a few times. But then after he closed off a few months in, we basically completely stopped that. This has caused me a lot of grief. Like a lot. Sex is important to me, because it makes m...

 and finally the tears but they don't help, it's like i'm too tired to fully cry or something so it just sits in my chest. you continue blaming me and talk about "reconnecting" why can't you just do something to help with this why does it have to be me, i don't say enugh i don't do enough i can never do anything right why can't i just be good enough and enough for you to love and want to be with why does it have to be this wya why why 

 I can't take much more

Asking me if it's a chore to love you. I just can't.  I can't.  Then you tell me that you just want to reconnect. Like it's MY FAULT? All I did yesterday was what I always do: swallow my needs so I can support you, talk you through your self-hate, the works. All I've done today is do what I always do: support you, sacrifice my needs.  You don't even love me. You haven't loved me in so long. Why am I here? Why can't I move on? 

 You just asked me if I'd tell you if it's a chore for me to love you. If it's a chore for ME to love you? All I do is talk about and show how much I love you.  It isn't a chore. I wish it were sometimes. Maybe then I'd be able to disconnect and stop allowing myself to hemorrhage. 

 I can't even concentrate on work. I just want to cry. Talking to you while you try to act like everything's normal (well, the new normal, not the good normal) is unbearable. I feel like I'm having layers of my heart just peeled off. I have to numb this. I can't keep doing this. 

 Maybe I just want too much. That's a common question I ask myself now. I remember when you told me that you enjoyed providing for me. And you enjoyed receiving attention and love from me. Now the love I give goes nowhere. Into the abyss. Into the deepest abyss that used to house affection for me and now just contains ice. Do I ask for too much? I just feel like I want some reassurance. I need more now for a little bit just because of how bad things have been for so long but I promise it wouldn't be like that forever. Just until things feel safer. I don't know why I torture myself with even asking or thinking about this. There is no future with you where that would occur. I'm too much of a burden and nothing can change the trajectory that we're on. All I can do is continue trying to brace for impact. But it's like a slow burn. I've been waiting for a long time because it's been a slow downward spiral for an agonizingly long descent. I have to numb myself...

 I miss feeling loved, I miss feeling wanted, I miss feeling like I'm anything more than a burden and annoyance to you. Knowing I'll never wake up to a paragraph of love words from you again, knowing that I'll never again ask for reassurance or comfort and be able to receive that.  Journal, I'm sorry that I just seem so crazy. If anyone ever reads this, they'll think I'm nuts. But these are all the things I need to say but can't say to him. Because I've tried communicating with him for over a year, and it just ends in a fight. It ends in even less.  I just need someone to talk to and you are what I have. 

 You still sometimes say that you want to be better for me, that you want things to be like they used to. I used to believe that. Believe you. That things would work out as long as I behaved or changed myself like you wanted me to. It feels different this time. I think I've been told one too many times that I'm the problem, that my mere existence is the issue. I still long for things to be like they used to, but I know now that they won't ever be. I can never have you like I did before.  Not much longer now. I promise I'll find a way to leave so that you can heal.

 I mentioned my nervous energy. This feeling of energy pent up with nowhere to go. How it makes me feel like I don't even have an appetite. You said maybe I should try a bland diet. I agreed.  But I know what this feeling is. I've had it before. The last time I fell for someone and then they got bored of me and left. This is all the same as it was then, with one main distinction. Back then, I had only known him for a few months. It wasn't like this. Not a full relationship. For a year and a half. With my entire heart given to you.  I'm so afraid. I don't even know how to cope with the idea of things ending, let alone actually being on the other side of it. But I know I can't stop it. I've done everything I could. Everything. Exhausted myself. Burnt myself out. For over a year.  I did it for you. It didn't make a difference. I can no longer continue. 

 I don't know how many times I can apologize.  I have never said "I'm sorry" so much in my life.  Why can't you ever be sorry? You say it but you say it to dismiss me. Like, "I'm sorry, but..." and then you tell me why I'm at fault. I can't do this much longer. 

You keep saying you need to learn to be better. I think that I'm holding you back. I don't know how exactly because I've always encouraged you and tried to be supportive and warm and kind. I've tried to always show that I love you endlessly. But now I also feel that somehow, I am the reason that you're unable to push yourself to get better. To change. It kills me to realize you'll be better for your next girlfriend and you were better for the last one. I was a mistake in your life, an abnormality on your timeline.  I'm trying to work up the strength to leave so that you can thrive. Please be patient with me. I just want you to be happy again and it's so clear to me that you can't be happy as long as I'm around you. 

 Another morning of waking up to you being unhappy with me. I cannot remember the last time I woke up and felt like you missed me, or needed me, or felt anything other than annoyance or frustration with me. I'm barely sleeping anymore. I woke up at 5am because I wanted and hoped you'd write something kind to me today. But it wasn't, and I regret even reading any of what you sent, because instead it just upset me and prevented me from being able to fall back to sleep. I'm exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I just don't know how to make you happy with me anymore. It doesn't matter what I do. You said something funny, too. You said you wanted to try to reconnect over the next few days. Try to reconnect? Now? I thought that's what you said you were trying to do this whole time. I know I have been doing everything I could to make you feel connected and like we were connecting on any level, I mean literally any level other than you being annoyed at me. ...

 I feel like this is eating me alive. I just want to be comforted. That's all. Like just pure reassurance. Not reassurance with an asterisk. Not reassurance but I have to also be told that it doesn't matter whether or not I'm reassured, or reassurance that is one sentence and then days of me begging you to love me again. When I tell you that it's not fair to me that you used to wax poetic about how you loved giving attention to your ex, I don't lament because it was for her. I lament because I can't get even a fraction of that. You used to tell me that you offered her endless reassurance even while she abused you. I ask you if I abuse you and you say no. And I can't think of how I would. I'm so gentle with you. I would never hurt you. I've been abused, I've been in horrible situations, and I'd never put someone else in that, ever. So why? Why can't I just get basic affection? Basic relationship warmth? Basic.. anything. I just feel like I...

Today I feel this horrible gnawing in the pit of my stomach because nothing feels okay. Yesterday we argued, and I feel like nothing got resolved. You told me over and over that you’re allowed to be upset when I’m upset—yes, of course you are. But the issue is that when you’re upset, I try really hard to stay calm and supportive and to find solutions. When I’m upset or need reassurance, I feel that you spiral right away and then the original purpose (reassurance/resolving an issue) is gone, and it becomes something totally different. I feel that much of the time, I come to you with my feelings or needing reassurance and you take it as something offensive. I then use the “blame” word (as in, I feel that you’re blaming me for the issues) because I don’t know how else to describe it.   When you come to me with your sadness or anger or frustration or just flat out gloom, I always try to make it better. When I can't, you almost chastise me for feeling like a pseudo-failure for not being...