I feel like this is eating me alive. I just want to be comforted. That's all. Like just pure reassurance. Not reassurance with an asterisk. Not reassurance but I have to also be told that it doesn't matter whether or not I'm reassured, or reassurance that is one sentence and then days of me begging you to love me again. When I tell you that it's not fair to me that you used to wax poetic about how you loved giving attention to your ex, I don't lament because it was for her. I lament because I can't get even a fraction of that. You used to tell me that you offered her endless reassurance even while she abused you. I ask you if I abuse you and you say no. And I can't think of how I would. I'm so gentle with you. I would never hurt you. I've been abused, I've been in horrible situations, and I'd never put someone else in that, ever. So why? Why can't I just get basic affection? Basic relationship warmth? Basic.. anything. I just feel like I need to cry for days and days, but that's the funny thing. I cry so much, you even heard me crying on the phone, and it does nothing. And that's the thing, it's not like I'm just doing nothing and waiting stupidly for you to comfort me. I'm trying so many things. Nothing is working. I need to either feel that things can be okay between us and that you will give me love and treat me like an actual girlfriend, or I need to leave. I can't keep just waiting and hoping with nothing happening. It's been over a year of you saying that things will change, but nothing changes. I did everything that you asked me to do.. I changed myself in so many ways. It didn't make a difference. 

But that's okay. Like it's okay! I literally don't hold anger or anything. I don't regret trying to please you. I just wish things could be okay again between us. Like in the beginning, if I felt sad about something, you'd be there for me. It wasn't a balancing act where you'd say one thing to me and then I had to pay for it for days. And I was always there for you. We were just there for each other. I feel like I've been alone in this relationship for over a year. And I'm just someone who's here to support you but you can't support me. You once said you're an emotional vampire, and I told you that's not true. But sometimes... the way you treat me, it does seem like you are. But I'd never tell you that because I hate hurting you.

And it doesn't matter what I say. Nice things. Less nice things. Compliments. Complaints. It's always the same reaction from you. Aloof. Cold. Indifference or annoyance. You only tell me you love me if I say it first. 

I just need someone. We had so many plans and I mourn the future I know will never happen. I can't make myself not want that future with you anymore, although my brain knows, knows, knows it'll never be. I can't imagine being with you, living with you, and needing your support and having you tell me that there's no point in supporting me. Going on vacation with you and you refusing to show me any warmth or act like we're a couple. Meeting your family and being treated by you like I'm just a friend. Or not meeting them at all. I no longer have any expectations of being treated like your partner or someone you want to be with. I'm fairly certain that you've told your friends and family that I'm just a friend. 

We've been together for a year and a half, but I only feel like the first few months was a full relationship. You just changed so much. So much and so quickly. It wasn't even gradual, it was so sudden. I can't fix it. You tell me I can't fix it, yet you don't try. So many promises that never come true. 

I just want to be loved and wanted. I feel like I have so much love to give and I want to receive so much in return. Why can't I? Why can't I have it with you? Rhetorical question. I know I can't. But I'll never stop wishing I could have.