I was going to call and say this but I guess there isn't really any point because nothing I say verbally makes a difference. It used to, but much like how my voice doesn't turn you on, nor am i able to adequately convey things through calls. 

I have been trying to analyze my feelings and trying to understand why I feel so jealous and inadequate. It's true that I'm emotionally very needy, and that I love to both give and receive reassurance. This was one thing that I loved learning about you when we first met. Even though you had framed it as you loving giving attention to your ex, it didn't bother me much because the implication was that you would also love providing attention and reassurance for me. You also told me that your libido was lower than mine, but that it wasn't gone. So upfront you told me these two things and I accepted them as truth and as being great or as okay (respectively). 

In my prior relationships, I've always felt insecure at first, because I do worry that I won't be liked as much as exes, or that I won't provide an overall positive impact on my partner's life. Even when things don't work out, I always hope that an ex will look back, and if they think of me, view me as a positive source and not as a regret. Fortunately, my insecurity fades over time, usually within the first 3-6 months, as my experiences with my boyfriend replace his experiences/memories with his ex. I don't mean that he literally forgets her (although that would be ideal), but that instead of remembering his sexual experiences with her, he starts to only remember the ones with me. Instead of remembering watching movies and joking with her, he remembers doing them with me. It's why I feel insecure about things that I haven't provided you (full nudes, skyping to fall asleep, etc) because I know that I can't replace those memories yet even though I've tried to do other things to suffice. 

But some of the stuff isn't my fault. I starkly remember with my ex, feeling inadequate when he told me that he and his ex had sex like 50 times. I felt really insecure about that because it was like, and it probably seems immature, almost a tally for me to overtake. I wanted the sex with me to be more, more often and more intense, more satisfactory and more memorable. Once it reached that point, I quit worrying about it. The same went for meeting his family, going on vacation, etc. This was especially important to me since he and I were together longer than he was with his ex.

So that's why I've had a big issue with how things are with us. You telling me that you and your ex had more sex than we did, and in a shorter amount of time than we've been together, it was like such a striking blow to the very heart of my insecurity. When I say that I want at least as much, or preferably more, than your ex, I mean that literally. It's why you got annoyed and confused when I mentioned that it's not fair that your ex spoke to your mom and I haven't. I know that it was for a traumatic thing for you, and not the same as meeting your mom on your terms. But to my brain, it's still, hey she got to meet his mom and I haven't even though it's been a year and a half together. 

And the intimacy thing in particular I feel I have to learn to let go of the blame for. I don't implicitly blame you because i know you say it's depression. But I can't blame myself anymore either because I have been available for you for essentially 90% of our relationship. I offered to do anything you wanted. I offered to change the way I look. I offered to learn the things you like. I asked for advice and suggestions so many times and you said it wasn't me. But that doesn't resolve the issue. I don't feel like I should have to beg for intimacy or to feel rejected when I do. Not for so long. I understand depression very well and like I kept telling you, my libido isn't nearly what it was before. But to me it's always been such a critical issue, and it was really damaging to me when you just flat out said that you were able to perform for your ex way more even though you and I have been together for longer. Now all I can tell myself is that you had no issues initiating, that you never rejected her, that she taught you what you like and because of that I can never compete. Because to my brain, that's what the situation has become. 

If we could have just had our own intimacy this whole time, we could have surpassed what you had with her. But we didn't and I don't think I can continue dealing with the heartbreak of knowing this anymore. Your solution is ambiguous; waiting. Just waiting. It's been over a year and I've waited and it hasn't changed. When you finally felt better, you played alone. We all need alone time but I would never reject you perpetually and then just do it alone. It's so important to share that together sometimes. And I don't think it's just me being jealous and weird anymore. We could have surpassed everything that you had with your ex and I would not feel this need for reassurance all the time, and then we wouldn't fight. But because there's no clear resolution to any of this, I'm left perpetually in my own thoughts, it feels sort of like just standing in a torrential rainstorm and not being able to get out of it. I have two sides of my brain, one saying that it's okay and to just keep trying and hanging on longer, and the other side saying that it's been so long and it can't change, that you won't change, that you don't want to change, that I'm not worth changing for or I'm not worth things fixing for. 

I guess it's like, the attention thing we cleared up more or less because we had different definitions of it. But the intimacy thing has nowhere to go. I mean, the facts are that you were able to initiate and accept those things with her, way more and in a shorter period of time. We had a good few months at the beginning too yet we did it once or twice. And that wasn't for lack of trying on my part because I genuinely was always here for you and for it. 

So I just can't find a solution. Because there's nothing that I can personally do. No reassurance is coming for it so I can't depend on that. No change feels like it's coming and there'd have to be a lot of change for things to get past that point. I would need for us to at the very least surpass what you had with your ex. Not just sexually but overall. I'd need you to quit rejecting me all the time and to start initiating. I'd need you to genuinely put in effort with it and not just tell me to try to understand because I do understand but understanding isn't fixing any of this and I can't take it anymore. I've been here for you and supporting you for this entire relationship and one by one my needs have been unmet. The intimacy thing like i said is too much for me to just look past anymore. I need big changes and I need them quickly. I know that makes me sound like a horrible bitch and I don't mean it that way. I just feel like I can't keep on with just waiting, with no actual plan or goals being reached, with no real discussion other than "I'm depressed and you don't understand or listen." I KNOW you're depressed, I'm sorry I seem to just make it worse, I'm sorry that it's so much worse with me than with your ex, I'm sorry for all of it. I don't enjoy when you're unhappy or miserable, I hate it, all I've ever wanted to do since we first met was improve your life, it kills me that I don't and can't, that I'm told i just have to keep hanging out and waiting and hoping, meanwhile just turning to dust inside because I feel useless for you AND I feel like nothing will ever change between us for the better.

The thought of not talking to you anymore or not being together anymore kills me and I feel perpetually sick. I haven't been able to sleep, eat, or really function for a week now, and even before it got this bad I was just not feeling well mentally. But that's kind of a big issue for me. When we first met, I told you that I was needy, because I am. And because I stopped getting support and intimacy after just a few months, and the rest of the time has been basically just me getting rejected and feeling like a burden, I am at the point where I need so much reassurance and so much change from you that I'm really not sure that's even possible from you at this point. But I was clear about my needs from the beginning and have been clear. I don't feel that I have changed as a person, except the stuff you told me to change. 

That's where I'm at now. The things that I mentioned are things that are really crushing me and I dont' want you to read them and get mad at me or yell or tell me it's all pointless or something. Someone told me that maybe you and I are just extremely incompatible, which kills me because I remember in the beginning being marveled at how amazingly compatible it seemed like we were. Like the things you promised me and the things I promised you seemed to just match so well, and I was so excited to find someone who seemed to genuinely want to provide for me. The same person told me that when we find our "twin flame," that there is no struggle and no begging. It's a true pleasure and natural to provide for each other what the other person needs. If you would have told me when we first met that we just aren't compatible, I would have seriously laughed, because I've never met someone who I felt so compatible with in my entire life and it just absolutely.. to say it sucks that it's like this now is an understatement, I constantly feel like I'm grieving what we had, grieving what could have been all this time, and grieving a future that I feel isn't going to happen anymore.

Basically, I recognize that I have a lot of insecurity, but I no longer feel that it's just my issues. I know from the past that had you stayed with me and not essentially emotionally and sexually abandoned me a few months in, that we would be well past these issues. The fact that the abandonment occurred so shortly in and hasn't abated or been worked through at all, with the new addition of knowing that you were so sexually giving to your ex, is too much for me to continue looking past without immediate changes. And again I'm sorry that it makes me sound horrible and uncaring. Because it's the total opposite. If I were numb to all of this then I could try to find some closure and move on, and you could try to move on too. But I feel helpless because the thought of being without you genuinely causes me extreme anxiety and sadness, but when I think about the stuff I learned last night, I just feel like i can't take it anymore, I can't take the perpetual lack of intimacy and the ongoing fights when I want reassurance, I hate that it can't just be stable, I wish that we could just be better than you were with your ex so that I could quit having stupid brain thoughts about comparisons and I could just find some peace, and I KNOW that's an issue with me, I absolutely know it, but it's just part of me. I need to be with someone who I can easily surpass their last relationship with, someone who initiates intimacy with me but also doesn't reject it when I give it, someone who has had hotter and more sex with me than with their ex, it's just important to me, it's all important. I just want as much or more as what you gave the last girl. I know that doesn't make sense to you because it seems like you don't have those feelings and thoughts but to me it's just something killing me, I can't keep going over it anymore, telling myself things will change and be so good again when I have no indication of that happening and haven't for a year. There's just no reason why we couldn't have had more intimacy than you did with your ex, we've been together so much longer. If I'm not as hot then fine, like I said before I specifically didn't have my face in my nudes for you so that you wouldn't have to see me, but that's the thing you don't even have to look at me when we play.

I love you and I'm sorry. I recognize that much of the issue is still my appearance and that I was probably too needy for you after all, but I maintain my position because I can't be any other person than who I am anymore, and I can't keep telling myself that it's fine for us to not connect and for things to just be stagnated at this time and for the foreseeable future, and that it's normal to be sexually rejected even though you didn't have issues with your ex as you said. I'm sorry that I ended up being more than you expected and that I was too much and that our needs weren't compatible. The thought of never hearing your voice again and never being with you is just something I will literally never recover from, but I'm also worried that the longer this goes on, the less likely it is that I'll recover from knowing that you were able to perform for your ex and not reject her sexuality or needs, and that despite a year and a half together and many attempts on my part, I will never have that. I'm just sorry.