Maybe I just want too much. That's a common question I ask myself now. I remember when you told me that you enjoyed providing for me. And you enjoyed receiving attention and love from me. Now the love I give goes nowhere. Into the abyss. Into the deepest abyss that used to house affection for me and now just contains ice. Do I ask for too much? I just feel like I want some reassurance. I need more now for a little bit just because of how bad things have been for so long but I promise it wouldn't be like that forever. Just until things feel safer.

I don't know why I torture myself with even asking or thinking about this. There is no future with you where that would occur. I'm too much of a burden and nothing can change the trajectory that we're on. All I can do is continue trying to brace for impact. But it's like a slow burn. I've been waiting for a long time because it's been a slow downward spiral for an agonizingly long descent. I have to numb myself faster. It's the only thing to do now. I just have to numb myself. I can't figure out how yet but I hope I do soon.