Today I feel this horrible gnawing in the pit of my stomach because nothing feels okay. Yesterday we argued, and I feel like nothing got resolved. You told me over and over that you’re allowed to be upset when I’m upset—yes, of course you are. But the issue is that when you’re upset, I try really hard to stay calm and supportive and to find solutions. When I’m upset or need reassurance, I feel that you spiral right away and then the original purpose (reassurance/resolving an issue) is gone, and it becomes something totally different. I feel that much of the time, I come to you with my feelings or needing reassurance and you take it as something offensive. I then use the “blame” word (as in, I feel that you’re blaming me for the issues) because I don’t know how else to describe it. 

When you come to me with your sadness or anger or frustration or just flat out gloom, I always try to make it better. When I can't, you almost chastise me for feeling like a pseudo-failure for not being able to do that. But I feel that there is little difference between the two.

Scenario 1: 

You feel gloomy and come to me, tell me your thoughts and feelings, and I provide you with reassurance or help you find solutions. If I feel like I make no difference, I feel upset with myself but I try to put it in perspective and not let us spiral over it.

Scenario 2: I feel gloomy and come to you, tell you my thoughts, and I want reassurance or to talk about it. Sometimes you will give me cursory support but then launch into how what I'm saying makes YOU sad, and the focus turns to you. Other times you just tell me that we've already gone through it, there's no point in talking about it more, etc. Either way, we often end up in a spiral.

What's the difference? We are both feeling emotions because the other person is coming to us with their sadness or needing support. But whereas I feel like I go out of my way to be an anchor for you, I feel like that isn't reciprocated nearly as much.

Today, I genuinely did everything in my power to be calm. I woke up to barely any messages from you. You told me you didn't have any words for me. I accepted that. Even though I felt sad and scared because nothing got resolved last night and now you didn't even have anything to say to me, I tried to be very calm and keep the peace. You even said you wanted us to stay calm. So we did. But the entire day was seemingly about reassuring you. 

Which takes me to another point. You told me yesterday that you say horrible things about yourself all the time and I just let it go. That isn't even true. I spend so much time fighting you about your own self-negativity. I dispute all of the terrible things that you say about yourself. If I miss any, it's because we're arguing or deep in a discussion about something else. Today, we literally spent over 20 minutes just going back and forth while you said how bad you are and I would counter it. 

Yet I felt like it didn't matter. You didn't seem to care, feel gratitude, or feel that I had done anything for you. The entire day, I didn't get any consolation from you. No reassurance, no comfort. No discussion. No attempts at making things right. Just telling me how bad you felt about yourself, and then silence. 

I don't know how much longer I can take it. I love you so much and the thought of being without you kills me. But I feel that you are long gone. Even when you know I need reassurance, it's just a fight, or you become withdrawn and cold. I see other people with their relationships, and I miss how we used to be at the beginning. Now all I feel from you is coldness. The last few days have been such a breaking point for me. My stomach feels so queasy and I'm so full of nervous energy, energy with nowhere to go, for days. It increases daily because things are just getting worse. I don't know how to fix any of it. I called you and tried to talk it out. I've been here. Even today, I asked for nothing, I barely made any mention of the many times you were active in chat but didn't reply to me, you know that I worry that you'll find someone else or you already have. But there's been nothing from you to help take that off of me. I think that you are just waiting for me to leave, or hoping I'll burn myself out and quit caring. Like I'm pretty sure you already have and did long ago. 

I just feel so alone. You were my best friend. I can't even really talk to anyone about this. I'm just stagnating and desperately trying to find a way out of this horrible anxiety and sadness. There is no doubt now that I've been abandoned. Today really demonstrated it, like it was the perfect example of all of our bad days in one, except that we didn't fight because I didn't ask for anything. 

I'm just so desperate for someone to talk to. Anyone. I just need someone to talk to, someone who cares and isn't going to reject or abandon me if I ask for reassurance or connection.