Princess Kelly Forever

 I was going to call and say this but I guess there isn't really any point because nothing I say verbally makes a difference. It used to, but much like how my voice doesn't turn you on, nor am i able to adequately convey things through calls.  I have been trying to analyze my feelings and trying to understand why I feel so jealous and inadequate. It's true that I'm emotionally very needy, and that I love to both give and receive reassurance. This was one thing that I loved learning about you when we first met. Even though you had framed it as you loving giving attention to your ex, it didn't bother me much because the implication was that you would also love providing attention and reassurance for me. You also told me that your libido was lower than mine, but that it wasn't gone. So upfront you told me these two things and I accepted them as truth and as being great or as okay (respectively).  In my prior relationships, I've always felt insecure at first, be...

 My thoughts are basically the same. I woke up to a few messages from him where he said he has always been attracted to me. That's basically it. No admittance that what he said was wrong. That the whole situation was wrong. I started researching something called retroactive jealousy and I posted in the sub for it. Someone replied and said it sounds like he's just an asshole and we're incompatible--lol. 

 PS, I mentioned journaling. He told me that's proof I've closed myself off for ages. I told him I just started journaling yesterday but he didn't seem to understand.  I need to talk more about my feelings of inferiority. Tonight was super triggering for me and I'm having a really hard time coping.  Yet I feel like I have nothing left to say. I just want to sleep. For a super long time. And then wake up and remember nothing. I don't want to remember any of this. I just want to forget and go.  I told him that I just want to have more than his exes did. He said I can. But yet.. he won't give me that. How am I supposed to have more sex with him if he doesn't get attracted to me? How am I supposed to get those things? And I've been rejected so many times that I don't feel like I can do anything at all to even participate if he did by some miracle get attracted to me and initiate. I feel so sick even talking about this. How can you be with someone for a y...

 A pointless conversation. He was upset with me as he always is. I had to try to vent because he was just.. so cold. So uncaring. I had to tell him how I felt. He immediately got upset with me. He started talking about self harm so I called him because I didn't want him to hurt himself. We ended up talking on the phone for over two hours. It was overall calm until the end.  Journal, I haven't really talked about the dysfunctions in our relationship but one of the big ones is sexual. When we first got together, he told me his libido was less than mine. He also seemed to be stuck on ddlg as he did with his ex. He at one point told me that "surely you can do better than that" when I talked dirty with him over the phone. So even though I was super self conscious and felt ugly, we did that a few times. But then after he closed off a few months in, we basically completely stopped that. This has caused me a lot of grief. Like a lot. Sex is important to me, because it makes m...

 and finally the tears but they don't help, it's like i'm too tired to fully cry or something so it just sits in my chest. you continue blaming me and talk about "reconnecting" why can't you just do something to help with this why does it have to be me, i don't say enugh i don't do enough i can never do anything right why can't i just be good enough and enough for you to love and want to be with why does it have to be this wya why why 

 I can't take much more