A pointless conversation.

He was upset with me as he always is. I had to try to vent because he was just.. so cold. So uncaring. I had to tell him how I felt. He immediately got upset with me. He started talking about self harm so I called him because I didn't want him to hurt himself. We ended up talking on the phone for over two hours. It was overall calm until the end. 

Journal, I haven't really talked about the dysfunctions in our relationship but one of the big ones is sexual. When we first got together, he told me his libido was less than mine. He also seemed to be stuck on ddlg as he did with his ex. He at one point told me that "surely you can do better than that" when I talked dirty with him over the phone. So even though I was super self conscious and felt ugly, we did that a few times. But then after he closed off a few months in, we basically completely stopped that. This has caused me a lot of grief. Like a lot. Sex is important to me, because it makes me feel an additional bond with my partner. The fact that he was closing off his emotions to me overall really made a sexual connection more important. Plus, hey, I have BDD. I like some kind of validation that I'm not a completely disgusting monster.

So we didn't really do anything. I'm talking twice in a year. At the same time, he did things alone and lied about it, which has really led me to believe that he was doing things with other girls in mind. 

It's been a constant source of issues for us. I was always sexually available for him but he just had zero interest.

Near the end of the call today, the topic came up. He told me that he and his ex had done more sexual stuff and in a shorter amount of time than he did with me. I can't explain how devastating this was to hear. I mean, I figured, but the thing is that he and his ex weren't together nearly as long as we were. He also said she was abusive and they both dealt off and on with depression. So the fact that he was able to be attracted enough to her to work through his depression to be with her just really made me sick. 

Well he didn't like that. He blew up at me and hung up on me. 

Now I just want to throw up. I can't explain how tired I am of feeling inferior to his stupid fucking ex. All I've been told over and over is that he did more sex stuff with her, he gave her more attention and love, he put up with everything she put him through (but he has me on a tight leash in contrast). 

Please, let me get numb soon. I can't stand this anymore.