PS, I mentioned journaling. He told me that's proof I've closed myself off for ages. I told him I just started journaling yesterday but he didn't seem to understand. 

I need to talk more about my feelings of inferiority. Tonight was super triggering for me and I'm having a really hard time coping. 

Yet I feel like I have nothing left to say. I just want to sleep. For a super long time. And then wake up and remember nothing. I don't want to remember any of this. I just want to forget and go. 

I told him that I just want to have more than his exes did. He said I can. But yet.. he won't give me that. How am I supposed to have more sex with him if he doesn't get attracted to me? How am I supposed to get those things? And I've been rejected so many times that I don't feel like I can do anything at all to even participate if he did by some miracle get attracted to me and initiate. I feel so sick even talking about this. How can you be with someone for a year and a half and yet have less sex with them than you did with your ex with whom you dated for less time? 

And this is why I know he never really cared about me. 

Please please please numbness set in soon.